First of all it's not the "A" word you are probably thinking about. Anxiety is the word that I am choosing to talk about in this post. I know its been months since I have been on here but I feel that I need to talk about something real instead of posting perfectly posed pictures, with cute outfits and pretty makeup. Although that is what I want to do also on this blog, I have been wanting to write about this for a while. and this blog is sort of my journal, my place to just write and talk about whatever is on my heart.
Disclaimer: I am a human being and in no way a professional when it comes to anxiety. I am going to list a few things that have worked for me, but make sure you evaluate yourself first because what I do, may not work for you. Also if you are severely anxious and think you may need help and are feeling that you may harm yourself or anyone else: call this number immediately and get the help you need. 1-800-273-8255. I, myself have never called this number before but I probably should have a few times several years ago before I had a little better latch on controlling my emotions. I'm going to include the definition of anxiety and link where I found it.
Experiencing some anxiety is normal in this day and age where there are a lot of demands and expectations on one, however, there are people who are more susceptible to an anxiety disorder and there still is not any evidence as to where the true cause comes from. I have never been diagnosed with anxiety, but I do know that I have experienced some of the symptoms listed on the Mayo Clinic site.
Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, and its difficult to explain to someone who does not have anxiety along with depression, how or what is going on in the mind. For me it seems like my mind is attacking me and making a mole hill into a mountain about everything and it's on a fast track down hill with no breaks. it hits me like a ton of bricks and I cannot mentally and physically get myself out of it. I found a note that I wrote on my phone 3 years ago in October, describing what I was going through at that time. and reading it again made me shiver. I'm going to include it in here for you to read so that you may get a glimpse into what I go through. Since then I have not had it so bad, and will list the things that I have done that have helped me stay on top of it. I do still get anxious and have moments but coming out of them is a lot quicker now and I don't tend to allow myself to become immobile.
"Trying to explain to someone anxiety/depression is like trying to explain colors to a blind person. The words may be heard but not understood. It's not your fault you don't understand. I just don't want people to think I'm a psychopath. I'm a prisoner of my own mind, chained down by strings that have thickened to chains over the years. Little do I realize that I have the resources to burn those rope-chains. They are so close to me I can reach out and grab them, every time I try a chain comes out of no where and wraps around my throat-suffocating me causing me to withdraw from help. The chains that hold me down are named: lack of self confidence, socialization, simple activities of daily living, low self esteem... to name a few. I constantly feel the pressure of an invisible microscope hanging over my head, there's a shadow in the corner of my box constantly whispering in my ear words of self doubt, reminding me I'm imperfect, giving me high expectations to meet only to laugh with a sound so sinister when I fall down. I'm surrounded by walls they are glass but my eyes only see the impossibility for getting out. I have a problem for every solution.There is a rock that I can reach called hope. Every time I try to step off the square I'm standing on with bold lettering on it called anxiety, ropes shoot up and restrain my arms. Outside the walls I hear my loved ones and friends asking how they can help offering their sympathy and support in so few words they are snatched away as they barely touch my ears-by that damn shadow that stands behind me, in front of me. All around me. The words REALITY and IMAGINATION etch across the space in front of me- blurring together they become hard to recognize.My heart is pounding even as I type this out. Sometimes I can get out of this space, I can motivate myself to get out of bed, go on a run, even eat food but when the endorphins kick in from a good run the demons are temporarily chased away, then somehow out of nowhere i realize I'm still attached to a chain- when I start to feel hope- temporary relief gets ripped from my grasp as if it was never there. The cry for help only a ghost on my lips. I am a shell of the person I used to be and I feel that I never can be again.....hollow and empty with the proper organs to look alive but when I find myself a prisoner in my own mind-I don't even know how there is life in me. I feel broken, weak and scared. Because I don't feel like i have the ability to control when I spiral down into the prison in my mind. This is the best I can explain it. It's easy for me to compare my life to others because my mind warps my perception of others lives and i see only perfection and I assume that their life is perfect. I try to compete because I want to be seen as a normal person, I desire acceptance, but fail to accept it when it's given. Self-doubt and fear are constantly reminded of me. My imperfections feel as if they are always on display. Im afraid to tell people this because I'm afraid that I will be cast off as weak and mental and I will be abandoned with medications pushed at me. I don't want to become dependent on medicine but I don't know how else to get relief. I want It. SO.BAD. I feel like I'm suffocating even now trying to explain this-because it is a form of a cry for help."
I cannot even remember what happened to trigger this, but obviously I was struggling, and clearly it was nothing. Because I do not even remember it now. I have something written in a notebook somewhere that I also wrote, explaining my depression and anxiety at the time when I felt trapped. This is not easy for me to be open about but I feel that it is such a common thing and not everyone likes to talk about it. Just this past Friday I had a horrible day at work, it was a day that I haven't had in a very long time, a day where you question your career/job choice constantly. I was angry, and I wanted to cry. I could feel myself slipping into a place where it would be difficult to come back from. I prayed. I told myself that it would be all over in 12 hours. my patients were alive, and it was going to be okay. But somehow still I could not get myself out of the mental funk and it made the day so much worse. It is a choice to let things out of our control, control us. I'm going to list some ways over the past year or so that I have done in order to get a better hold on my mind. Remember, I am not a professional, this works for me, and I still stumble and fall.
- Prayer/medidation: this is the biggest thing that helps me, and also for some reason the hardest thing for me to do, which is why I listed it first. When I talk to God, it seems silly at first talking to the air, but really I am talking to something much more palpable than air. I am very informal with these kinds of prayers and they don't start with "our father which art in heaven", they start with "oh God, help me, I..." And because I believe He hears me, and that He is the creator of the universe, that my anxiety goes away and I am able to think clearly again. I do not always use this method first but I am trying to.
- Exercise: This is one I struggle with, but I am motivated with. It's hard to explain, especially now that I have a 9 month old- it just seems harder for me to physically get out of bed early and get the day started. I used to be much more of a morning person, and it was easy for me to get up and go at 6 am on a run, or 0430 and get a 3 miler in before work. Not anymore. I have learned to constantly hit snooze, and it is a horrible habit that I am struggling to quit! But, that being said, I get my workouts in because I know how good I will feel when I am done. For me my go to exercise is running. I am not a professional but I have done a half and also a 10k. I know I can go the distance, but I have just worked back up to going 3 miles postpartum. This morning I really needed to blow off yesterdays steam so I had my workout gear laid out on the counter and my running shoes ready to go the night before, and even though I did not go at 6 am, I went. and I felt incredible. It is free therapy, the endorphins kick in, and you feel better about everything while getting the benefit from the exercise. I also made a deeper connection with God, and let Him carry me on His shoulders.
Shorts don't have this color in stock anymore, but I wear size 6!
Top: wearing a size 4, they do not have this navy blue in stock anymore.
(plus this picture is also 2 years old)
- Make a list of the good things in your life: this is a newer one for me, but I did it friday night after I cried when I got home from work. I asked Kirby to help me list the things, out loud, that we have currently that are good, and a blessing. We have a roof over our heads, we have a comfortable bed, we have a lock on our door, a healthy and perfect baby with no issues, and the list literally goes on. I have everything I need, and then some. I have nothing to be anxious about. I have money in the bank, not a lot, to cover bills and groceries. God has blessed me, so why do I throw it back in His face when I become worried about something that I do not have at this moment?
- Breathe: easier said than done, but we as humans do not really truly breathe as much as we should. This doesn't mean the natural breathing that keeps us a live and one we do not have to think about, but this is the taking a slow deep breath in through your nose, holding it, and then releasing it. It helps oxygenate your brain, which helps you pause from your panicked thinking, which resets your focus for a few minutes. The apple watch as a cool feature that notifies you every hour to breathe, or you can set it to however often you want to be notified.
- Talk to someone: I believe that it is okay to seek professional help, because they can give you more tools to work through your anxiety because they have a degree in mental health. I did counseling for a year, and would do 1-4 sessions a month. It really helped me, it was always on the phone but she was very professional, and she is SDA, which is what I wanted. I wanted someone with similar religious views that would help me. I also wanted a woman, I felt more comfortable talking about personal stuff with her. Her name is Jennifer Jill-Schwirzer if you need anyone! I am probably going to go back to talking to her because she is just such a genuine person. if you want to you can let her know that you heard about her here in my blog. (not sponsored in any way!).
- Drink Water: I find that when I am well hydrated that I feel better, I feel less tired, and less anxious because my organs have the water they need to function and my brain is able to keep floating in my head. The water needs are different per person based on weight, and activity level. there are lots of tools on google that you can calculate your water needs with. I typically try to drink 40-60 oz. When I do that I feel so good! even when it seems I have to pee every 10 minutes.
- Medication: This is the last resort for me, because antidepressants can be highly addictive and difficult to wean off of. I am currently taking a medication every night but I have tapered the dose down slowly. DO NOT do so without the advice of a Doctor. Also DO NOT seek medications without consulting a healthcare professional. I started taking a medication back in February of this year, because I was a fresh new mom and my anxiety and depression was out of control. I had never expected motherhood to be so much all at once. I felt scared, lonely, trapped, and I was definitely sleep deprived. I scheduled my postpartum apt a whole two weeks early just so I could be prescribed something to help. I avoided medications for so long, and I was so set against it. But now 9 months later, I am so glad I did what I did. It protected me, but ultimately my daughter. I am taking a 3rd of the dose that I started out with now because I feel strongly enough about not taking it the rest of my life. The weening has brought on some hard times again and some physical side effects, but they are no where near what they used to be. I am seeking more natural and holistic things to take instead of chemicals. Drinking a lot of water, eating more fresh veggies and fruits, lavender lotion, peppermint, etc.
- SLEEP: if you sleep well, than you will be able to have more mental focus and energy. also when you feel an anxiety attack coming on, following the above steps and then when you feel like you have calmed down, lay down to rest, if applicable. I've never really been a great napper, but I have been training myself to take naps during the afternoon while Saelah is asleep, I set my alarm for 20 minutes and when I wake up, I feel completely refreshed. The longer I sleep the more tired I feel. My mom snapped this picture of me napping with Saelah when she came to stay with us in April. ❤️
So there you have it. If you know me, you know that I can blow things out of the water very easily, and that I compare my life to others successes very quickly. But I hope this gives you a little closer look at who I am and what I deal with on a daily basis. It's taken me a while to comes to terms with it, but once you admit to it, you are already on the path to success. I am no expert, like I said, but these eight things have really been my saving grace. I want to share with you my favorite bible verse, I have repeated it over 1000 times I am sure. But it is incredible what happens when you utter God's name. The devil has to flee!
"Be Anxious for nothing, but by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God that passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6,7.
I took this at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens about 5 years ago.
You are not alone. Feel free to reach out to me, I will pray for you or with you, I will help you see that your anxiety is something that can be handled. I still struggle but I can manage a lot better than I used to.
xoxo,
Rebekah
PS: I'm going to try and post on here more often! As always I am open to ideas on what to
post about. 💋
